The Devil Can't Kill Me Because I'm So Cute

You sometimes have got to wonder about people. I mean most of the time people are ok to be around and they seem pretty normal, but other times you're like, "I'm seriously concerned that we're being invaded by aliens from planet Cryptonia."

For Instance working at a Christian bookstore I get to meet all kinds of people and yes I mean ALL kinds of people. One guy came in the store dressed as a monk, and immediately I could tell not everything was there for him (he was a few milkshakes short of a dessert.) So, I went up and asked him (he had huge bottle cap glasses) if I could help him find anything. He tersly responds with his retarded lisp, "I'm lost." And they he proceeded to start looking all over the store for something; finally his friend came in and shouted, "Robert where are you I know you're in here!"

I've had nearly everything from people who think that burying a statue of St. Joseph in the front and backyard's upside down will help their house sell better. I've seen people adament that if they stick an angel on their bumper they won't get in an accident. I've had customers come up and tell me I need to "let go and let God." (That was fun, I responded, "Absolutely, every day through the Holy Spirit I surrender myself to Christ and His will." That suprised the guy. I don't think he'd ever heard that comeback, he usually got strange stares.) I've had shoplifters who claim to be looking for "The Footprints in the Sand" poem, I ask them "So, is that why your sticking those CD's in your coat sleeve?" I've had people chew me out and spit me up. I've had some people tell me "I'm looking for a book that has scripture in it." I kinda go, "Well, then, take your pick! :)"

I thought I had heard everything, until about a week ago, this lady topped the cake.

It was Tuesday morning and John (my co-worker) and I were just opening the store. A lady was waiting outside and I knew she was gonna be interesting as soon as I saw her. First of all she looked like Carol Burnett, and when John asked her how she was doing this morning she said with a giddy, annoying little voice, "I'mas fine as frog's hair!"

John was like, "Oook."

She said, "I'll bet yav never heard that one before!"

He said, "No I haven't, are you from the South somewhere?"

She said, "No, but don't tell my friends that, whoo I love those pills. See I have a pill I take every day and it is really something."

John and Ben were like "OooK!!!"

So as she did her shopping we watched her with concern. Luckily john ended up helping her check out. As she was checking out she decided she needed another book. We didn't have the book in stock but "we can order it for you!" She decided to order it. Anyway, while I avoided her like the plague and John helped her out. Their conversation went something like this!

"You know the devil tried to kill me once," our unconventional customer stated matter-o-factly.

Oh, really?" John replied with an air of slight disbelief (slight being used in the broadest sense of the word).

"Oh yeah, nine times" she continued without hesitation, "Yeah, when I was eight, he threw me into a seizure and I bit off half my tongue, then I bled to death and went to heaven, well, actually I've bled to death twice, drowned once, gotten shot once, jumped from a building once, and I've been to heaven every time!"

"Oh really?" John replied with a whole demeanor of 'this can't be happening to me.'

She wen tright on without taking a breath of air, "Yeah, so now whenever the Devil tries to kill me, I tell him he can't cuz I'm too cute!!"

"Hoo boy," John didn't say but was all over his face!

So after she was done checking out she continued to shop around the store, then she went to the bathroom. While she did her thing in there, John and I quietly discussed our options: call the police, call the manager, call the loony bin, cast the demon out, pray (which we both were doing fervently), panic. Soon, she was ready to check out and John wasn't around so I felt it only fair that I should share in this burden. Our conversation went like this:

"Is this all you were needing?" I asked trying to be polite.

"Oh, yes of course honey," she said. "Oooh, isn't the Lord good?"

"All the time," I replied praying that God would be good to me and get the lady out of the store.

She said, "Honey," and I really don't like being called 'honey' by ladies 30 years older than me and I don't know and they're nut cases! But she went on, "You know the devil killed me once."

"Oh really," I responded in the same manner John did!

"Oh yeah, and I went to heaven though and boy that sure is a pretty place you want to go there."

I said with authority, "I am going there because of Jesus' death on the cross."

She didn't have a reply for that one.

I checked her out and then she went to the bathroom again. When she came back she said, "Hoo, boy Jonathan (she called John, Jonathan, which he doesn't like being called) I had hot peppers last night and they're keeping me going, if you know what I mean."

He didn't.

Well, all this time she's been the only customer. We open at 10:00 and as 10:30 rolled around and she was still there, other customers were beginning to show up. The nut approached an older lady, "nut" began praying for the older lady. Older lady, showed signs of nervousness. When "nut" was done praying she said, "Ohh, praise Jesus, now your gonna be better, I'll get blessed and my children, oooh, they'll get blessed, and honey and Jonathan will get blessed, and everyone will get blessed and we'll all go to heaven!" Before she FINALLY left she had some parting words for the whole store to hear, "Hey if ya'll go next door to Peaberry's Coffee, they'll put some Whisky in your drink if you tell 'em I sent ya! Whoo that'll get you going, if you know what I mean! I am gonna go take my pill now!"

I was thinking why didn't you take your pill before you came in the store, was your pill Ritalin? Oh, John and I were so glad she left. We laughed the whole day about her! Where did she get such ideas, what sort of pills was she REALLY taking.

But as I reflected on it, "nut" isn't alone. Far too often people with already unstable minds, get fed "biblically" based teachings that in some form or another have been twisted, or misconstrued by the teacher. So, often even in "normal" looking churches we have people who are teaching just slightly off the truth. You know what, the will remember the "nuts" of Christianity, the ones who blow up abortion clinics, the KKK who claims to be a Christian organization, the "nuts" who don't have their head screwed on straight or otherwise. The world remembers those sort of "Christians" better than the five missionaries who gave their lives to the Waroani indians of Ecuador so they could know the gospel. The world remembers "nuts" better than the 6 college men in Northwest America, who spent a whole day praying and crying in a barn and as a result of their tears and ferver, revolutionized their college campus, for the better, in the beginning of the 20th century. We need fewer people who can tell the devil off by their good looks, and more people who are willing to graciously and honestly show the world "Christ in You."

Now I am not saying we shouldn't be radical and do "crazy" things for God; we are NOT supposed to conform to what the world does and as a result the world will think of us as looneys. But I'd rather be considered a looney because I am in my right mind going full on for God than being considered looney because I am one and the love of Christ is not in me! I hope you see what I am getting at, we as believers need to be less like Benny Hinns, and the TBN people, and more like, well, oddly, Christ!

Don't be a Christian because you are crazy, be crazy because you ARE a Christian and Christ's love constrains you to not hold back!